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I also got given a quotes page [here].
SeeAlso: /MoreQuotes

The following are taken from my 404 script:



This page has been taken hostage by the squirrels.
Send seventeen bushels of nuts immediately; or you'll never see the data again.



Your mouse is on strike, and refuses to follow that link.
Please try again manually, or honour its demands and provide chocolate digestives.



You had a security clearance?  Tough - someone stole the data before you.



Unfortunately, the packet you are waiting for was not only marked 'urgent' but also 'this way up' and 'do not fold mangle or spindle' - so the post office is giving it 'special' treatment, and it might be a while.



Sorry - I'm too busy to serve you that page right now, I have to reconfigure linux.



I know that's a generalisation, some of you prefer the crack cocaine.



We have reason to suspect that the file you requested may be associated with a README.TXT file, or possibly a windows help file.
Obviously we couldn't allow you to harm yourself that way, and so can't deliver it.



Money kitty!




Jesus loves you!  Your hair is sinful!




Ronald Reagan knocked down the Berlin Wall by smacking it with his penis and crafted new jobs from pure nothingness.  His awesome powers could only be maintained by the spinal fluid of latino infants.




Did I think that, or just type it?




Today, you will find yourself vastly more decapitated than you heretofore have been.




More zippers, mule!




Justice is cute.  (To go with 'brazil thinks you are cute, I guess)


Computers: Work harder, not smarter.



Beware!  There is a new virus spreading itself over the web.  If you see a page entitled '404 - Page not found' DO NOT READ IT.  This page contains embedded pseudo-code which will re-configure your browser so that it will use dynamic HTML to hide <!-- DHTML: fnord -->'s from your sight.

This virus will then provide links to <A HREF="file://c|/autoexec.bat">strange files</A> which may seriously confuse the browser.

Finally, it will commit gross kernel upon your operating system, forcing a BIOS flash upgrade, and overloading your brain with technological terminology.

Why don't you try a different link instead?




From an egyptian game:
IbisTape?.  ToiletIbis?!



You can't do that.
Where do you want to go today?



You can't do that either.
Now where do you want to go?



The page that URL points to has been abducted by aliens.  The off-planet uplink is currently unstable, and not operating at maximum capacity.

[Standard form input box] ["Secure Access Query" button]

Please enter your NSA level 4 password, in order to gain clearance to the bandwidth that is available.



Your NSA level 4 security clearance has been rejected.

You location is being traced [Hourglass image]

Please remain at this terminal for collection by a federal rapid response team.



The three fingered pixies have destroyed that web-page



web (n)
The totality of knowledge accumulated by the human race - gathered into one huge library, and made available to the entire populus.

And everyone is armed with crayons.



Web (n)
Annoying useless thing, filled with bugs - which slows passage to a crawl.  Spiders inhabit them, and humans brush them away.



My goodness!  The millennium bug has destroyed that system!



The long haired stranger from out of town has stolen the web page to which you referred.



I am sorry, but the page you requested is residing upon a windows '95 system.

One of the routers along your path is using linux.

The penguins have therefore boycotted this attempted access.

They will only return this page when both you and the web server are using god (Linus Torvalds) appointed software.



Comforting to know that the ultimate battle between good and evil will be fought with rocket launchers, isn't it?



What!  You actually expected that Link/Address? pair to work?

You were joking right?  No?  Well, more fool you then, 'cause the page doesn't exist.



[Spam SATAN!]



The funky babies jiggling put me off - and I couldn't concentrate on downloading your page.



[Garfield] got overly hungry waiting for that page to load, and ate it.

Sorry.  You'll have to go out to the shops and buy a new one.



Reasons for which that page refuses to load may be found with [dilbert]



Data, data - who's got the data?



Static interference.

The page couldn't get to your computer because of static interference messing up the ethernet uplink protocols.

This static was probably caused by a plastic ruler.

The only way to get rid of the static is to administer several hard knocks to the side of your computer.

This will dislodge the positively charged ions, and allow them to flow properly.

Ten or twenty should do it.



[Why don't you try summoning satan instead?]



I am afraid that your requested address was far too precise.

Quantum theory clearly states that if an object's position is totally known, then its velocity cannot be calculated.

Hence your web page flew out of my hands, and I lost it round the back of your computer somewhere.

Next time try a less well specified link; and let the fuzzy logic take care of it.



How froody is your cat?



How froody is your cat?



How froody is your cat?



How froody is your cat?



Headbutted auto-header.

I have no more idea of what that means than you do - but it looks like the file you requested isn't going to show...



Error - incorrect dimensionality.



FYI - a tensor is a matrix - with squiggly bits at the edges.



Everything seemed to be going fine, but then the page reached your screen, and I knew it had stopped.

At this point, I was totally aware of its velocity, and hence (by quantum theory) it is fundamentally impossible to calculate its position.

So the document is not necessarily on the server any more, let alone your computer - and could be anywhere in the universe.



    root@pride:/web/> make typo


[Hourglass image]



Searching... Please wait [Hourglass image]



That's it - I quit



Hard drive spin up - words come out.

Hard drive spins down - no words come out.

Hard drive spun down.



This is not the web page you are looking for....

He can go about his business now.

Move along please.



Magic people - voodoo people.



Where the fuck has it shuffled that to?



If we analyse the principles of thought upon which magic is based, they will probably be found to resolve themselves into two: first, that like produces like, or that an effect resembles its cause; and, second, that things which have once ben in contact with each other continue to act on each other at a distance after the physical contact has been severed.

The Golden Bough by Sir James George Frazer



In somnae potents ultiman, meso perdo imagonem.

Well - that takes care of that web page.  Next!



Sorry - I can't let you do that, Dave.



Did you realise that you have just sent some machine elsewhere in the world all of your personal details; simply trusting it to return a file which might have some bearing upon that link?

You trusting fool.



Try keeping both hands on the keyboard.



That attempt to access non-real information space has been logged, and will be reported to the reality police.

Repeat offenders will be.



Try mount.



The butterflies cannot stop the storm, and you cannot stop me from eating your page.



WARNING!

Cannot finish error messa



This message is completely illogical - and has no bearing upon the 404 error it is associated with.



Frss, grll - traveller.



You are powerless to prevent the internet worm!

It has eaten through the data you have requested, and is even now crawling along the wires into your machine.



... And what are the standing orders for web pages from your illustrious commander?

Extermination

Then carry out your orders.  If any of them exist, they will be destroyed.



You are in an endless maze of twisty passages, all alike.

Which way do you want to go?



Well, I was going to give you that page; but then I used the details you sent me and checked your credit rating.

Your mortgage has been revoked, and the baliffs have been notified.

Further access to that page will be by payment in advance, in cash only.

Thank you for your continued interest.



Get ye behind me, [Satan]



Thank you for your continued interest in that information.

Unfortunately it has been classified above your security clearance.






Your web page seems to have left.

The last thing it said was loosely translated as:

So long, and thanks for all the fish





The information you have requested is of ultra-violet clearance.

Knowledge that the information could be obtained at that address is of
classification green.

This error message, class 404, is classified blue clearance or above only.

You, citizen, have infra-red clearance - and therefore are not cleared for this
document.

This access attempt has been declared treasonous.  Please report to booth
AG-16:42a for termination immediately.

Thank you, and have a nice day, friend citizen.








Kernel panic - I think I left the taps running!








Stupid bastard piece of software.








No - you can't get the information that way.

Try holding down six diagonally opposite keys, while pressing reset, dancing a
jig, and praying to the dark gods.

Remember, computers are your friends; and help you work more productively and with
greater ease.








The web the way you want it - but not when you want it; or where you want it.

In fact, by now you should be questioning whether you actually want it at all.








OK! OK! So the page isn't where I said it was!

I'm only human you know.








That page isn't coming, you know.

It wasn't me who did it in, it was the
[Bastard Operator from Hell!]







Hah!  You think that's a URL.

Try performing ROT-13 upon it, and see if it connects then.






Why have you browsed onto this computer?  There's nothing useful or fun here.

Go play Quake? instead.






I have eaten that web page.






You could try asking for that page more nicely, you know.






No more web pages until you tidy your room, young man.







Error Build environment is in tim's bedroom.








You haven't a hope - you can't force me to give you it.






A collective IQ in excess of four million.

More transistors than you have had thoughts in your life.

And here I am, parking web pages written by apes onto your screen.

Don't worry about me, I feel awful.

I've got a diodic headache.  I'm going to shut down now.

You'll have to fetch your data yourself for a change.







EXCELLENT!  Your clearance was just enough to authorise deletion of that data.

Sorry, but it was just too good an opportunity to miss.








Hmm, that link seemed broken.

Why don't you mail
<A HREF="mailto:bill.gates@microsoft.com">the person responsible</A>
?








The average nerd has ten thousand thoughts a day.

Here are just a few of them.






Salva sodales - You will have to get past me to get at your data








Web page all gone bye-bye

Why don't you try one of the links?





 +------------------+
 I                  I
 I           (__)   I
 I           (\/)   I
 I    /-------\/    I
 I   / | 666 ||     I
 I  *  ||----||     I
 I     ^^    ^^     I
 +------------------+

     Satanic cow






Their policies have the smell of death.  --Comment? on BBC? forums.




I'm not going to give you that file....

... All bribes willingly accepted




A guide sattelite - just a tracer round for the main event.




A groundhog day *campaign* - those that the main character brings into the loop STAY in the loop.




Thank you, he'll be here all week, there's nothing you can do to stop it.




Don't buy the girl, don't chat up the ice cream




I'm not saying bad things will happen but if they do it's not going to be good.




A hero.villain named 'everybody' - has all the common powers.  And so does his dog.




Mythic modern / Horror.  Gremlins in the PC, posessed cellphones.  Bring the horror through the famliar.




What the fuck is a sexy neck?  And who the fuck would brag about it?




Submarine sardines!  Board game, you have to put as many subs into the water as possible without a collision - but each sub has to move slowly forward and you can only make a few facing turns each turn.  Possibly some cards for sepcial events like 'narrow miss' or 'I meant to do that'




Memes don't exist. Tell your friends.




Mecha Albigensian Crusade




A pound of salt in the hand is worth two in the signature.




From JamesCat?.  Context is fun. "Last person you talked to on the phone? My mate Constantine."




"Tooth Bunnies." There's about 10 of them, they all look eerily similar. Like their tannings booths were all set to the same number and they all buy the same blonde hair dye. And they all have full sets of gold braces.




I bow to your superior knowledge of both snarky and bitchy.




Why do you think cats hate water?
Oh you dont know?
I'll tell you why, its because they are highly evolved mammals from the future, and they travelled back in time to warn us about water, however they dont know how to speak, because they are only cats.
So they do the best they can by running away from it.
Could you people be any more naive??
These cats are warning us, but you continue to drink water. I hope you have fun in hell for the rest of forever.
Water is the leading cause of floods. 




TeamFat? - 'The six arrive' - with .hack
(Close out on uden with 'skeleton in my closet')




I say we tell them the truth. In fact, we can put an ad in the Times:
"Modern, three bedroom tract house, two bathrooms for easy flushing, with high grade dope stashed in all rooms."
It9;s a selling point.
But they'd be calling asking what kind of dope, and we don't know. Man!




Die-Meme-Die.com as a webcomic for the 24hr thing.
Or the two guys on a bench one.





alt.yellow.fangirl.burn.burn.slap
alt.fruity.bish.slap.destroy.burn




Wait a minute, if the hoods on hoodies are caps, then what does that mean for the phrase "I'll put a cap in your ass"?




Kick him in the nuts hard enough to kill a lion!




New phrase for "useless quest" - "That's like asking Bush to stop the war in Iraq."




The noise dreams of signal




If it's stupid but it's cool - then it isn't stupid.




Any sufficiently advanced torture is indistinguishable from Japanese entertainment.




The blood-red hilt.




Your lesson, should you choose to accept it...




Transyuggothian metaphysics




Heroin is the opiate of the people




Murphy's Law is Recursive




Eyes, body colour tail -
Colour tail.
Eyes, body colour tail -
Colour tail.
And eyes and ears and mouth and SNAIL...
Eyes, body colour tail.




The roots of language are irrational and of a magical nature.




The CSS Pigsty

The CSS Shipwreck-in-the-making




It's not conducive to long life, being a critic locked up with a bunch of psychopaths.




Camoflage trousers, with day-glo orange overjacket.




The kings men.  Which king?  No-one remembers...




Batteries from the fifth dimension




Sheltered like a nun in a fallout shelter




Everything in the future is stored on cubes instead of discs...  Fear the return of cubeo!




"927 fun things to do with your own nation"




Give a cop a cookie




Our lives are a sad and pathetic joke, so if we don't stand up for ourselves, no one will.




"Zincum Gluconicum", by the way, is what Harry Potter says when he wants to galvanise a lollipop.




The gibbering apes of insanity are less annoying than you people.




Four - Oh  Four - nyo?




The ship is damaged and venting pirates.




You don't have opposable thumbs.
Yes I do.  I'm a cat.




Overheard from a heavily marketing driven company meeting.  (I dare you to ask) "Comparing us to kittens and considering that relatively we have lost our mittens - can we still be given pie?"




[Some class ones], including:
"Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs."




A five digit code to get into the loo.




When squires attack.




Urban camo trousers.  Bright orange T-Shirt.  Fat and stubbly guy.  Ugh.




The Hyatt hotel.




Elvis stormtrooper.




Steamboat WIllie II - 'Why Not?'




My best friend just flew out of the window.  Now what do I do?  (From LittleBatKoku?)




Every other sandwich I have ever eaten, is a lie.




"Death monsters ahead!"  (Next building: The DMV)




Mona Lise with a machine gun.




The luggage reclaim of Cthulhu.
(Seriously guys.  Implement a numbered queue system, or friggen POST the luggage to me.)




Is he a hardboiled detective who solves problems with his fists?
Holmes?  No.  He's English.
So he solves them with cricket?




Not really, I just like to blow stuff up.




Escalator sign: "No bare Feet".  Meanies.




First Church of Christ, Scientist.  (WTF?)




Ghosts are not real.
Ok, Whatever.
'Ghosts are not real.  (thoughtful) Souls are real...




If only our orphanage wasn't destroyed by pie.




Thus we can see the thin line between delusional insanity and fan fiction writing is that delusionally insane people don't post their rantings on the internet. Unless you count Jack Chick. And the TimeCube? guy. OK, well maybe the distinction isn't really that clear after all.




A Bishounen with FacialHair??  Weird.  (StrangeCandy?)




The duck status represents his existential anguish.
No, seriously.  It does.




Dave, if you don't allow me the honour of describing to you my remarkable method of infusing dead flesh with the vigor of life, I shall open up the cabinet of your overgrown abacus and fill it with gerbils.
(Webcomics/Narbonic?, of course)




[Bash.org] is evil:
Ar0uNd » Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his whole life, which
Ar0uNd » created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little,
Ar0uNd » which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he suffered from very bad
Ar0uNd » breath. This made him.... what?
Ar0uNd » (This is so bad it's good...) - a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(There's a few from me, on there, too.)




For starters, you can babysit our niece, Darth Tiffany.




Cafeteria Buddhist




There is no 'we' in 'Target'




The oracle was not evil, but it was vague and tended towards drink...




People were staring at me more than usual.




"Killing Hitler's Brain for America".




Drinking coffee very rarely triggers ninja attacks




If I had thumbs, you would already be dead.




Not to suggest that America might have blown it up covertly to suggest that there is still some kind of menace there.  I'm only not suggesting it, because have you ever tried to blow something up covertly?  It goes boom dammit, that's overt.




I am not on fire.




Force *yoink*




Glasses are the wonderbra of the face




Are you thinking what we're thinking?
bibblebibblebibble

(From 'you don't have to be crazy to work here' thread)





CurrentlyListeningTo?: The whole of the moo.  (My cd player is too short.)




[GauntletTheftAuto] ... Class.
[Peanuts the MMORPG] and [Conquering Norway for Dummies] a book I would buy.




What makes this equation so dangerous, professor?
"It has been raised to the power of pie."




There isn't a shinma responsible for your hat.




"If they do switch to 616 being the number of the beast then we'll start
using that."




Bab.  Some kind of cow-god, we think.




Raping kittens with Cacti.  For science!




"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station..."




Although I have been informed that coffee in 2005 is bland, tasteless and, indeed, in some cases poisonous, I cautiously try it. I lie awake for several hours, contemplating the flavour of the coffee, and twitching.




"The only thing worse than genocide is being bad at it."




"The experiment called America was doomed to fail because  it was built on a false premise - that all men are created equal."




I saw bubbles flowing out of the wall above a shop. I walked a little closer, and saw it was a small bubble machine. Right next to it was a sign that said "this is not a bubble machine, it is a figment of your imagination."




Genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in.  Next to soccer.




Hey!  if we can't strike him down, can we blow him up?




The veiled serve the gods, honoured one.  Comparative mythology and hand to hand combat are our specialities.




"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." - James Nicoll




How can you uplift a myth?




I am so glad this cemetary has LandMines?.




Putting the 'eep' in 'creepy'.




What the hell did we hit?
The moon.
Before the moon!  (Thanks [Radioactive Panda])




Who's the cat that won't come out, when there's ninja all about?  (Is that really the lyric to Shaft?  It's what I hear...)
At a guess and without Google'ing - "Who's the cat who won't cop out when there's danger all about?"? --CH
That make a bit more sense.  Slightly less cool quote that way though :)  --Vitenka




Evidence has shown that a shot to the head may deter them.
(He did immediately retract and say what he meant to say, but still fun.)




A: "We have managed to summon and study a small group of hunter daemons.  Using the information gatyhered from them we are using DNA altering techniques to engineer bodies into perfect hosts that will contain the daemons indefinitely."
B: "Yes.  That's why I switched to decaf."




"I cannot make holograms with muffins!"
"I could, but they'd be very screwed up."




... a bank in Washington that had a bunch of fairies with magic wands. They made new money when they were happy, and made it disappear when they were sad.
"I take it," said Daaad, "that you don't believe in Federal Reserve Fairies?  Part of my new job with the finance subcommittee is to keep the Federal Reserve Fairies happy"




Art isn't supposed to paralyse people from the knees up!




Jumping through hoops of fire is a part of a tigers natural habitat.  (Thailand tiger zoon - I want jungles like theirs)




Kill them and take their Hareem!  (DnD? Arabian Nights...)




"Pikachu! I choose you!"
The savage shock-mouse of the plains squinted up at Havesh.
"I don't serve you, Solar," said the beast. "We just work together---for a time."
"No, no, no," said Havesh, irritably. "You're supposed to respond with, e.g., 'pikapi! chu!'"
"Ss," hissed the beast.
Havesh eyed Pikachu.
"Do you want to go back in the ball?" he said.
The shock-mouse set its jaw. It stared grimly across the field of battle at the Abyssal. "Pika," it said. "Pika. Chu!"
"Curses," muttered the deranged Professor Oak, scraping his cutlass against the sharpening stone. "Lunars are strong against necromantic golems."
--Rebecca (Borgenstern, of course)




The result was a hyperballistic god-cat of doom, performing matrix-style kills on fairground mascot dogs.




(We need to) Hit them hard and hit them where it hurts.  That is, in the emerging and developing markets.
(Innnteresting euphamism.)




A cross between the Innovations catalogue, the Exalted charm list, and George W. Bush.




[My Land mass erupts with kittens.]




Sphinx' sans secrets.




Hey!  Is that Schroedinger's cat on your head?
... Maybe?




Knights jousting from the backs of giant steam-powered frogs




ACHTUNG! ALLES LOOKENSPEEPERS!
Das computermachine ist nicht fuer gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und poppencorken mit spitzensparken. Ist nicht fuer gewerken bei das dumpkopfen. Das rubbernecken sichtseeren keepen das cotten-pickenen hans in das pockets muss; relaxen und watchen das blinkenlichten.


Fönki, fönki, fönki, fönki kitties.
'till I lose control, mon.
Fönki, fönki kittens till I lose control...


Health Healthiest.
Never let it rest.
'till your well is weller.
And your weller west.


(Alexandros is) Snake meets Nim.  I'm sure that's not really how you conquer the world.


I renounce my credentials as a zeppelin!


King Lear is the new Zebra.


We could replace the wheat with rabbits; and no one would ever know.


I'm the Sherrif, I haven't had a beer all game and I want everyone to die.


Are these toilets a requirement?  No sir; just a convenience.


Does a Cappucino have to abide by the pub weights and measures law and not count the froth?


FuturNow?: "In a paper to be published Monday in the journal, Nanotechnology"

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